I was going to post this on Saturday and well I was thinking about writing it on Friday or Saturday or maybe not even writing it at all but it started coming out yesterday…
Saturday June 29th is the one year anniversary of being told we were possibly losing Sam.
Please excuse the typos
It’s hard to believe a year ago this weekend (June 29th) I went into my usual appointment with Maternal Fetal Medicine with the thoughts of I really hope they move me to every other week. Not that I didn’t mind seeing Sam every stinking week. Someone like myself, who had to previous miscarriages, despite Sebastian’s pregnancy being still fairly *normal* despite coming 6 weeks early, was still a mess of worry and struggled at times to be positive.
I had been concerned about some pressure I had a few days prior leading up to that day but figured I would be told it’s normal and all that calm the worried pregnant lady down stuff.
I went into the appointment hoping it would go quick so I could get to work.
None of that happened…
A year ago this weekend, there was the awkward silence from the ultrasound tech and then the words; I need to go get the doctor, fell out of her mouth.
A year ago this weekend, my heart sank further then I think I had ever experienced.
I sat in the dark room trying to calm myself and be like its o.k., Sam was going to be o.k., and I was going to be o.k. My head believed those words but my heart did not.
Then the doctor came in, sat down next to me and said, “Kiddo, we are going to send you to the University of Minnesota. Do you know where that is?”
Gosh I hated when he called me kiddo but I did prefer this MFM over the other one.
I just nodded and said, “Why?”
Then he started to get medical on me and explained I was funneling and asked if I was feeling contractions. I was like no just a little pressure in the girly region but nothing else.
He then explained what funneling was and that I would need to see if I was a candidate for a cerclage. A what was my next question?
He said to get the University as soon as a possible and he would have the other doctor explain everything then. They needed me to be get to the University quick because they thought I was going into labor and going to lose Sam.
I was numb until the doctor left and I had to call Dan be ready to leave as soon as I got home with the car. He had to scramble to find a sitter.
I cried and cried explaining to him what the doctor said.
Then I had to call the boss to explain I wasn’t going to be in.
I tried to be all professional and then I broke down and just blubbered, I won’t be in, I maybe losing the baby.
Then through the tears I had to drive home. They told me to move as a little as possible and gave me a map of how to get down there even though it was totally wrong as there was a ton of construction.
Trish left work to watch Sebastian for us and then off we went.
The drive down to that side of the U was the longest drive of my life.
Then I had to call the number they gave me as we couldn’t figure out exactly where to (we parked in the wrong lot) and they didn’t want me to move a lot. Thankfully the nurse came to met us with a wheelchair.
We got checked into a room and then there was a flurry of medical staff. A couple of doctor’s and then the MFM doctor.
There were examines and attempted examines.
One of the doctors said they think the cerclage could work because she couldn’t see my water bludging but she wasn’t going to say a definite it would work.
Then we waited…
Finally between Dan and I talking, well he talking and me pitching a fit that this was not right, it’s the U and they have to have more then 1 anastisolgist on staff and I had have massive anxiety about things at the U (long story about my leg…) already, they finally took me to surgery at 4pm.
So much for I need to get to the U and have surgery ASAP.
A year ago this weekend, the emergency cerclage placement was a success, now we had to just hope it stayed successful.
I ended up being in the hospital that weekend.
I just wanted to go home.
I just wanted to feel like I was going to have a normal pregnancy but deep down I knew that wasn’t happening.
I wanted to be home with my boys.
I didn’t know though that it would be no where close to *normal*
All weekend I was hooked up to monitors checking on Sam.
Boy was kicking and moving up a storm which made the nurses mad. They were running to my room at all hours, going we lost him on the monitor.
Do you feel him still?
Are you feeling any contractions?
No really are you feeling any contractions becuase you can see little ones here on the print out.
Really? you aren’t feeling anything?
I don’t know maybe my body is weird but I didn’t feel anything with Sebastian either until they really kicked in close to him making his move out.
All weekend the doctors rounded to check on me and kept telling me everything from going home that Monday to possible being in the hospital the duration of the pregnancy.
They told me about a woman who was in the hospital for 4 months.
I wanted to cry, the thought of 4 months being away from the guys and then OMG what about work. I know I am crazy, why was I thinking about work?
Eventually they decided I could leave on Sunday.
That Sunday a year ago this weekend, we had a talk with someone from the NICU. I figured oh this will be a quick talk being we have experience in the NICU.
I was naive and stupid. I wasn’t thinking clearly about the NICU in relation not a micro preemie, not the NICU in relation not a late term preemie.
There was the talk about baby survival rates at various gestational age.
The doctors didn’t know how far I would make and where thinking with the amount of funneling I had, they wanted me to make it to 24 weeks, or at the earliest 23 weeks and 6 days.
Anything before that we were told that they would do nothing medically as the baby isn’t viable. They would give comfort measures but nothing medically.
Yeah that whole part earlier where I mentioned my heart sinking earlier…
It totally bottomed out during this conversation and I went more numb then I ever think I have felt in my whole life.
Pregnant women are not suppose to feel that numb.
This pregnancy became a let’s meet the milestones of sorts.
First milestone was 24 weeks.
We needed to hit 24 weeks.
Then we would go with whatever happened there.
Ideally I was to get to 30 weeks.
In the end it really was just about any extra minute, hour, day we would make it.
Each little bit helped out Sam.
Then the question of how were we going to do this?
Bedrest at home
I could work if my job was ok. with it but outside of the bed except for meals, shower, bathroom, and doctor appointments.
No holding or taking care of Sebastian.
It’s heartbreaking not holding your baby.
In the end it was for the greater good but my heart still broke that I couldn’t hold him and cuddle him. I guess I am glad he didn’t understand but yet I wished he understood for those days he looked a bit confused.
A year ago this weekend I prayed for 19 weeks of bedrest.
A year ago this weekend I didn’t know we would only make it for 5 1/2 and then go down the NICU road once again but this time it was doing to be even harder and even longer.
I am thankful we got the extra 5 1/2 weeks that we did.
I wanted 19 but really realistically wanted whatever we could get. Whatever amount we could give Sam to cook and grow.
I still am mad at my body for failing though. I know in time I will heal from it but it’s hard. It’s hard to think that my body failed Sebastian but it really failed Sam. It didn’t provide for him as soon as it should have.
I am thankful he is getting stronger by the day but I still wish I could have done more.
I wish my body would have done more
I wish the P17 shots did more.
I know I can wish till the cows come home and I am not really dwelling on the past.
I just am working through the emotions of the past year.
It was quite the day to say the least and would take us down a path we never really thought we would face and then also made us know we would never experience a normal pregnancy.
I think that is the biggest emotional thing for me. The wonder of what is like to go home with you baby when YOU GO HOME?
What’s a regular baby nursey at the hospital like?
What’s it like changing that first diaper without wires, worrying about not hitting his vent and without putting your hands in the isolettte?
What’s it like holding a baby a full term baby? rather then worrying about omg he is so tiny and fragile, I am holding him o.k.? Is his body temp o.k.? Should we put him back in the isolette?
All of those questions will stay with me and I will work through them and accept I will never know.
A year ago this weekend all of those possibilities were beginning to slowly be taken away from me.